Saturday, March 24, 2012

the joy of a paraprosdokian

Paraprosdokians have been cropping up in our leadership meetings, and even in a couple of recent sermons. 

A paraprosdokian is a "figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." More here and here.

I started to collect the ones I heard or read, and enjoyed:   

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Where there's a will, there's relatives.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Two can live as cheaply as one, if one goes hungry and the other goes without clothes.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Some are attributed to their originators...

"She got her good looks from her father, he's a plastic surgeon." — Groucho Marx

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." — Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx

“A fool and his money are soon elected.” —Will Rogers

"He was at his best when the going was good." —Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor

"If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert

"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else." —Winston Churchill

"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." —supposedly Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee

"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." —Emo Philips

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg

"On the other hand, we have different fingers." — Jack Handey

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." — Jack Handey

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." — Jack Handey

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